Pain will never be the same

The evening of November 10th, 2012 my mother was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. It was devastating news that I still can't fully wrap my head around, despite the fact that she passed away five short months after her diagnosis on April 10th, 2013. 

Here I am a year later, and slowly coming out of the whirlwind that has been life these past twelve months. Within this year I lost my mother, I applied, was accepted and began attending graduate school, I began and ended my first serious long term relationship and I got a tattoo. How did life manage to cram so much action, so much love and loss, so many tears and laughs into twelve months? 

We will never really understand life and the way it works. We will never be able to ever fully make long term goals or plans, because we will never know what the future holds for us. One day at a time. One hour at a time. One minute at a time. Once we have experienced something we will never experience it again, perhaps in a way that is a blessing and curse. Perhaps that's God's plan - to only allow us to experience things once and then move on from them. 

I experienced a great pain while losing my mother to cancer. A pain that was sat upon my chest and weighed the same amount as a baby elephant. A pain that was crippling and overpowering. A pain that no matter what I did crept up into my life in every way it could. It is a pain that shaped and scarred me in ways I may never understand, but it is a pain that I will never feel again. I will never lose her again. And in a way  that's a good feeling. 

Loss is apart of the human experience and without going through great loss I will never appreciate the rewards and the great gains life has yet to offer. But the pains and losses I have experienced will never be duplicated - they are unique and special in their own way. I will continue to lose and be lost, but it will always be a new addition to my story. Hurt, suffering, pain and anger will come back into my life but never the same and never again as they once did. 

I'm comforted to know that I have gone through experiences that may repeat themselves, but they will never impact me in the same way. I lost my mother but gained so much wisdom and compassion. She is gone from this world, but I will never go through that pain with her again and know I can keep her forever in my mind and heart until we meet again. 

The Healing Process

Last Friday I made the decision to be tattooed.  I've always been very attracted to tattoos, although, never thought I would take the plunge and get on myself.  When I was younger I remember always writing and drawing on myself with marker to see if I liked the way it looked after a few days.  Typically my art skills were lacking that certain pazazz that comes with tattoo art, so when I washed away the permanent marker doodles, I also washed away my desires for the tattoo life. 

It was in the this last year that I realized I finally had something that I wanted to take with me forever - a memory of my dear sweet mother who is now eight months gone. My mother had a way for offering advice and one liners that made all your problems and worries seem less overpowering. She was a wise woman with such a capacity for the kind of love you needed when you felt like the world was caving on top of you. I can only hope that those genes were passed down to me and I can pass them on to my own children. 

My mom was my biggest but most silent supporter. Looking back upon our indiscretions and times I thought she "didn't understand me" I realize she was the only person in this world who knew me best - and that is what drove me the craziest. She told me exactly what I didn't want to hear - the truth. 

Her strength, truth and love carried me through so many difficult times in life including my year in Ecuador. My year in Ecuador was amazing and life giving, but it was also one of the most challenging times I have experienced. It was exhausting physically, emotionally and mentally. I felt stretched to capacity every day that I lived there. It was such an amazing experience to share with my mom and sister who came all the way to Ecuador to see me for 5 days. They were difficult days, but in the end I could not have been happier with those moments of stress and unrest. In the end I realized that my mother is the only one who challenged me in life because she saw something so much greater for me. She saw all the blessings I had while I could only focus on the stumbling blocks to obtaining those blessings. 

When she returned from her trip to Ecuador she wrote me a beautiful email where she expressed her pride in me and the work I was doing. In one line she said "te mando mi angel de la guardia para que te cuide y sea un conseulo minetras no pueda estart contigo." I cry every time I read that line because of how profound it truly is in my life. My mother has always been my guide even if I didn't acknowledge her efforts. 

Those were profound words in 2010, but they hold an even higher significance now in 2013 just several months after she passed from this world. Although she's physically gone from us, I will always have a part of her here with me. Resting on my right should. Holding me close just as she always did. Protecting me from unnecessary harm and ill will. I ask that she protect my heart too. 

I've had my tattoo now for five days and it's entering into the itchy phase of the healing process. I'm very tempted to scratch it, but I know that will only delay the healing process longer. Then this morning I realized how beautiful of a metaphor my tattoo truly is for everything I have experienced this year. I've gone through great pain and hurt. Much like those first lines of the tattoo I felt the pain sharply and distinctly. As the days continued I felt the pain and redness of the tattoo, but slowly it subsided and what was once inflamed and hurting was calm and smooth. 

I will forever have the pain of losing my mom and I will forever have my tattoo. Over time they will  become part of who I am - but they will not define me. My mother would not want me to forever live in a state of grief and sadness she would want me to learn from the pain and realize that not only is a part of life - it's a part of love. The deeper the pain the deeper the love.